I'm not even sure how to start this.
I'm an extrovert. But I enjoy my own time. I call it "me time" when I actually schedule in a day or a portion of the day for just me, to do whatever I want to do, alone. When "me time" is over, I generally feel pretty good about myself, my life, where I'm at, etc. I feel renewed, and ready to take on the world.
I didn't have an official "me time" today, but I was able to get some thinking done, and I'm slightly confused with my emotions. I won't mention the things that have been on my mind, or go into detail about any of that...but after my thinking...
I instantly felt lonely. Then about 30 seconds later, I felt ready to take on the world, then another 30 seconds later, I felt like I wasn't being myself, another 30 seconds later, I felt like I was in a dark mood if you know what I mean. Then I felt determination to change things in my life to make it better for me. And now I feel lonely again.
Right now, I feel like I have to shut the world out. I'm currently sitting in the dark, with a lone (but adorable) "night light" in the shape of a pink chubby butterfly turned on, that my mother gave me. The reason why I left it on is because when I look at it, I'm reminded that I'm someone's baby. When I look at it, I feel warmth in my heart because I know I'm loved and cared for in a way that nobody else can care for me. Who knew a night light could have that much meaning?
I don't really have a point to this post. It's just to get my thoughts out, which I usually do on paper. But it's nearly 2am and I'm really tired...and I happen to type faster than I can write with ink.
Sometimes, I wonder, "what happened to my life?" I'm not unhappy with myself or my life, but what happened? Where did all the time go? I wish I could've gotten so much more done, or have done things better (like getting better grades in college). How did I get to the weight I'm at now? Why did it take so long for me to part from my ex-boyfriend? Why am I still not ready to date? Why do I feel like I'm going to die early? ...okay, that was depressing, but it's true. I've always felt like I was going to die young, in some random tragedy. I honestly, didn't think I'd ever have reached the age I'm at right now. Yes, this just took a depressing turn.
I'll stop. My thoughts are just getting twisted up even more. haha. Maybe I'll try the paper and ink thing tomorrow.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Where I'm at Today...part 2
Here's a quick update from "Where I'm at Today" part 1...
My second nephew turned one.
The larger agency that hired me full-time is NOT a non-profit organization like I thought it was.
Adele concert was AWESOME!!!!
Application process for grad programs have started.
I put in a notice for my part-time non-profit company.
I made 2 New Years Resolutions this year.
So, like I mentioned, my full-time company turned out not to be a non-profit organization like I thought it was. I guess it USED to be, when I first heard about them, several years ago. However, at some point, they turned into a for-profit business and it kinda hurts me a little bit. But I've been pleased with them so far, and they will be good for me during grad school. So I'll stick with it. I put in my two weeks notice several weeks ago, for my other job. I told them my last day would be Jan 1st, 2012, however, I told them I'd stick around to fill-in on the Sundays that I'd be free, until they hire someone for it as long as I'm available those days. So I'm going back there again next weekend. Which is fine because I love those girls that live at that group home. I've also gotten permission from their guardians to continue contact with them, as well as being able to pick them up for one-on-one's as friends.
One of my consumers at my original house with my full-time house passed away in November. Ever since then, I've been floating at other houses since my hours got cut from that house. I finally took a part-time position at one house under the same director. And she's still working on getting another part-time position at another house so I can have 2 part-time houses where I'd be working a total of 40 hours. It's confusing, but I don't want to get into all the details. So right now, my schedule still feels a bit hectic, but I'm doing my best to stay sane.
I haven't been to the gym very often since August, and I'm glad I went today. I swam 80yds in 30 minutes, which is slow. But I will work on going more frequently to improve my swim, and to do other exercises.
I've made two New Years Resolutions this year.
1) Live life slowly. It's so easy for us in this modern world, to rush into things and not take our time. Everything around us is "improving" and getting "easier." But I'm not too sure I want that. Sure, I still use cell phones, but I've never relied on it too much, and I don't plan on changing that. I want to be able to notice things around me more. I want to be able to appreciate the small things in life more. I don't want to miss anything.
2) To do my best to reduce Electromagnetic Radiation around me. For example, I plan on either finding a battery operated alarm clock to leave by my bedside, or to move my plug-in alarm clock further away from my bed; no longer charging or leaving my cell phone by my bedside at night; removing the power strip by my bed (I only have one thing plugged into it); to use my cell phone less; etc.
I'm now freaking out about grad school applications. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I've already missed a couple deadlines for some schools. Which I'm not terrified about because I can always apply for those ones next year, if I don't get into one this year. But I my first really important one is due in 6 days and I'm not even halfway ready for it.
OH! Another update is that I've decided to start my first natural medicine collection. I've already created a short list of items to start with in small amounts to see how they work on me. I'd like to try to get an affordable wall cabinet for the bathroom with a glass window/door, so I can put them in there. Natural meds are awesome for decor because they can be put in glass jars and bottles and they natural oils give off different colors, etc. I think it'll look kinda old school and I'm excited for that.
Anyhow, that's what I've been up to lately. I have class starting up again on the 10th, so I will probably feel crazy again. But I'll do my best to stop by and blog more about more interesting things.
My second nephew turned one.
The larger agency that hired me full-time is NOT a non-profit organization like I thought it was.
Adele concert was AWESOME!!!!
Application process for grad programs have started.
I put in a notice for my part-time non-profit company.
I made 2 New Years Resolutions this year.
So, like I mentioned, my full-time company turned out not to be a non-profit organization like I thought it was. I guess it USED to be, when I first heard about them, several years ago. However, at some point, they turned into a for-profit business and it kinda hurts me a little bit. But I've been pleased with them so far, and they will be good for me during grad school. So I'll stick with it. I put in my two weeks notice several weeks ago, for my other job. I told them my last day would be Jan 1st, 2012, however, I told them I'd stick around to fill-in on the Sundays that I'd be free, until they hire someone for it as long as I'm available those days. So I'm going back there again next weekend. Which is fine because I love those girls that live at that group home. I've also gotten permission from their guardians to continue contact with them, as well as being able to pick them up for one-on-one's as friends.
One of my consumers at my original house with my full-time house passed away in November. Ever since then, I've been floating at other houses since my hours got cut from that house. I finally took a part-time position at one house under the same director. And she's still working on getting another part-time position at another house so I can have 2 part-time houses where I'd be working a total of 40 hours. It's confusing, but I don't want to get into all the details. So right now, my schedule still feels a bit hectic, but I'm doing my best to stay sane.
I haven't been to the gym very often since August, and I'm glad I went today. I swam 80yds in 30 minutes, which is slow. But I will work on going more frequently to improve my swim, and to do other exercises.
I've made two New Years Resolutions this year.
1) Live life slowly. It's so easy for us in this modern world, to rush into things and not take our time. Everything around us is "improving" and getting "easier." But I'm not too sure I want that. Sure, I still use cell phones, but I've never relied on it too much, and I don't plan on changing that. I want to be able to notice things around me more. I want to be able to appreciate the small things in life more. I don't want to miss anything.
2) To do my best to reduce Electromagnetic Radiation around me. For example, I plan on either finding a battery operated alarm clock to leave by my bedside, or to move my plug-in alarm clock further away from my bed; no longer charging or leaving my cell phone by my bedside at night; removing the power strip by my bed (I only have one thing plugged into it); to use my cell phone less; etc.
I'm now freaking out about grad school applications. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I've already missed a couple deadlines for some schools. Which I'm not terrified about because I can always apply for those ones next year, if I don't get into one this year. But I my first really important one is due in 6 days and I'm not even halfway ready for it.
OH! Another update is that I've decided to start my first natural medicine collection. I've already created a short list of items to start with in small amounts to see how they work on me. I'd like to try to get an affordable wall cabinet for the bathroom with a glass window/door, so I can put them in there. Natural meds are awesome for decor because they can be put in glass jars and bottles and they natural oils give off different colors, etc. I think it'll look kinda old school and I'm excited for that.
Anyhow, that's what I've been up to lately. I have class starting up again on the 10th, so I will probably feel crazy again. But I'll do my best to stop by and blog more about more interesting things.
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