Emotions

I'm not even sure how to start this.

I'm an extrovert.  But I enjoy my own time.  I call it "me time" when I actually schedule in a day or a portion of the day for just me, to do whatever I want to do, alone.  When "me time" is over, I generally feel pretty good about myself, my life, where I'm at, etc.  I feel renewed, and ready to take on the world.

I didn't have an official "me time" today, but I was able to get some thinking done, and I'm slightly confused with my emotions.  I won't mention the things that have been on my mind, or go into detail about any of that...but after my thinking...

I instantly felt lonely.  Then about 30 seconds later, I felt ready to take on the world, then another 30 seconds later, I felt like I wasn't being myself, another 30 seconds later, I felt like I was in a dark mood if you know what I mean.  Then I felt determination to change things in my life to make it better for me.  And now I feel lonely again.

Right now, I feel like I have to shut the world out.  I'm currently sitting in the dark, with a lone (but adorable) "night light" in the shape of a pink chubby butterfly turned on, that my mother gave me.  The reason why I left it on is because when I look at it, I'm reminded that I'm someone's baby.  When I look at it, I feel warmth in my heart because I know I'm loved and cared for in a way that nobody else can care for me.  Who knew a night light could have that much meaning?

I don't really have a point to this post.  It's just to get my thoughts out, which I usually do on paper.  But it's nearly 2am and I'm really tired...and I happen to type faster than I can write with ink.

Sometimes, I wonder, "what happened to my life?"  I'm not unhappy with myself or my life, but what happened?  Where did all the time go?  I wish I could've gotten so much more done, or have done things better (like getting better grades in college).  How did I get to the weight I'm at now?  Why did it take so long for me to part from my ex-boyfriend?  Why am I still not ready to date?  Why do I feel like I'm going to die early?  ...okay, that was depressing, but it's true.  I've always felt like I was going to die young, in some random tragedy.  I honestly, didn't think I'd ever have reached the age I'm at right now.  Yes, this just took a depressing turn.

I'll stop.  My thoughts are just getting twisted up even more.  haha.  Maybe I'll try the paper and ink thing tomorrow.